Forgive me, readers for not having written a blog post in two weeks, but I have been wandering the dark deep corridors of Paper Writing Hell. I hope you never go there, friends. It’s hot and lonely and the other people all walk around like zombies muttering things like “Transcendentalism” and “Purdue OWL MLA citations”. Some just cry ugly cries and wear sweatpants with the name of their university stitched on the front. And the really manic ones? They have bits of broken number 2 pencils stuck in their hair. And in their teeth.
The worst part about Paper Writing Hell is that I am the oldest one here. Sometimes the younger people around me ask if I will buy them beer but there is no place to buy such novelties in Paper Writing Hell. The only beverages available here are Red Bull and Fireball. And neither of these beverages go very well with the only food choices they serve: Bagels. Sometimes the students survive on bagels for weeks at a time. It’s not a pretty scene. Everyone is pasty and smells like garlic
The single worst part of Paper Writing Hell is the hecklers. They stand on the street corners in business suits and ties. They all look like they can afford luxuries like haircuts and Satellite Radio. All they do, all the time here is say things like “What the hell are you going to do with a degree in English?” and also “You plan on being a teacher, right?” When I tell them no, I plan on writing or perhaps going to graduate school and never growing up, the hecklers throw things like shoes (they can buy more) and other English Majors at me.
This hurts. Have you ever had someone throw an English Major at you? Nothing like a hipster with black rimmed glasses to the head to make you reconsider your Life Choices.
Listen. I’ve popped my head up from the dark bowels of this place, pen and Norton Anthology of Literature (Volume C, American) in hand just to tell you that I miss having a life and doing normal things like sleeping and watching cat videos on YouTube. I miss sunlight and food that can be eaten on plates with silverware. In Paper Writing Hell we wear bagels on a string around our neck because it is easier to find them in a fit of irrational hunger (This pencil looks good and I am too tired to get up from my desk). It also makes gnawing convenient because you don’t have to use your hands.
Needless to say, I miss lots of things about my old life. I even miss my children, well…the good ones anyway.
In one weeks time I will be finished with my semester and ready for that glorious 2 week break I call Summer Vacation before I start my next semester.
I’m a 35 year old English Major, people. I can tell you all about the tenets of Romanticism and nothing about the difference between Physics and a hot fudge sundae.
It’s a glamorous life.
Someone has to live it.
And since I have the black rimmed glasses, it might as well be me.