There are two things I know for certain about letting go:
1) no matter how much you know you must, your heart will crack a little
2) and however small the opening, you will always have a window of doubt.
You are taking your boy to the first day of kindergarten. He is crying. You are crying. You both want to turn around and sprint out the doors of that school. You want to get in your car, drive home. You want to hide under the heavy quilt of your bed, one big mama and child sized lump, until the bell rings. His once freshly washed face is now streaked with tears and playground dirt. You hear another little boy call him a baby and you think, yes! He is MY baby. You want to scoop him up and get him the hell out of there. But you don’t. You kiss his scuffed up cheek, so clammy under your lips. Then you sprint out the doors, get in your car, drive home. You hide under the quilt anyway, except now you are alone in a big house that echoes with the empty walls. What could you do? You had to let go.
You are twenty years old and you are a pretty fool. How many boys have you really kissed, how many times have you wondered, Do I Dare? You think, I have lived a little bit, I know things. But Oh! There is so much left to know. Except that you love that one boy so much you will stop breathing if he leaves you. You can fix him. You can change it. You will be different. You want to play house. So you dare; you say “I do”. You knew just enough to make you dangerous. But you are young and you need things so badly you can taste that need on your tongue. What could you do? You could be wrong. But no one can tell you. You had to let go.
You are at the end of days. Its goodbye, love. It’s so long, friend. It’s hello, stranger! It’s moving day. It’s a new job! It’s your best friend moving away. It’s ‘let’s see other people’. It’s ‘the bonds of matrimony have broken down’. It’s getting her ears pierced. It’s his first wobbly step, barefooted and away from your arms. It’s ‘Want to go out for dinner this Friday?’ and then ‘I haven’t dated in awhile, do I dare, do I dare, do I’? It’s a flight to LA, one way. It’s ‘Will you marry me’? It’s ‘let’s wait a while, I need time’.
It’s all about letting go. Every day, isn’t it about letting go? About taking that first step?
And you’re terrified.
And that’s okay.
But you can not, you CAN NOT stay in the same place forever. You can’t do nothing, anymore.
So, it’s a midnight call, I’m coming my lovely boy, I am coming back to you.
Or it’s an afternoon knock at your office door. It’s coming today, what will you tell her?
It’s closing your eyes and leaping off the high dive.
But it’s also turning around and climbing back down the ladder because you knew that you were up too high. They are laughing down at the bottom, but you are smarter than all of them. You did SOMETHING. You did not let the universe decide. You made a choice.
Maybe you fucked everything up. Maybe you went in through the out door. Maybe you got lost. Maybe you are alone. Maybe you are thinking I have made so many mistakes.
Remember this, though. Your life is not an accident. You are wise. You will know to turn around before you are in too deep. Listen harder to what you feel. You aren’t weak because you are scared, you are valiantly, wonderfully alive. You might be making a horrible mistake, but you are making something.
Or decide to stay. But do not, you CAN NOT live in a place of indecision any more.
Do not let someone else decide for you today.
You are brave, because you grabbed a fierce hold of the future. You shook it like the branches of a tiny cherry blossom tree quavering in the storm.
Everything on the surface, everything that the world can see, fell to the ground.
But you, my special one, are still alive inside.
You are rooted in today. And you are growing toward the sun.