Who I am (and who I am not)

I am the keeper of lunch money and errant mittens,
the one who hails down the Tooth Fairy
and unbreaks broken zippers.

I am the queen of double knots, of “you may nots”
kissing bruised-up spots
and never sleeping.

I am annoying a teenager, her eyes rolling, sighing
I am swallowing my wounded pride, but on the inside
I am wishing she were five again.

I am five years from forty
but a bicycle ride away from childhood.

I am somebody’s mom, another one’s mama, somebody’s sworn enemy.

I am daydreaming about sex on the sidelines of the soccer game.

I am sleeping with my five year old more often than my husband.
I wear stretch marks like a vixen and sweatpants like a high schooler.

I say things like “why aren’t you wearing pants?” and “you can not ride the cat”.
I think things like ‘is anyone even listening?’ and ‘why am I not wearing pants?’

I am bad at my job, surviving a thankless job, not working a ‘real job’.

I am so tired, so happy, so freaking frustrated, so irrelevant, so important.

I am somebody’s mom, but I’m also still somebody. I am more than the sum of all my parts.

There is a great divide between what I am
and what I was going to be.

I was going to change the world, I ended up changing diapers.

And the truth is, really?

I don’t think
I would change
one thing.

 

 

motherhood

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